Father's Day Reflection: The Gifts of Parenthood

Dad and son moment

On Sunday, #FathersDay filled many an Instagram and Linkedin feed, as people celebrated their dads and other father figures in their lives. I feel so lucky to have a dad who's taught me all sorts of things - things like acting with integrity, saving for a rainy day and the power of getting stuck in as part of a community. Not to mention, of course, which football teams are good and which ones are evil.

Dads give, but dads 'get' too. Being a dad has been really hard at times, but is there a personal development opportunity richer and deeper than parenthood?

I often feel like a lot of the 'normal stuff' doesn't really apply to me because my son Roscoe has weird chromosomes. He has autism and developmental delay and we're currently in a few years where he has major spinal surgery every six months - complete with filling in forms that ask us to sign his life away.

None of his disabilities defines him, except for, of course, all the times when they definitely do. I avoid school sports day because it usually makes me cry, and whilst I'll always dream big and aim high for him, it's made me re-evaluate quite significantly what 'living a productive life' really means.

All of it has been a profound learning experience that I’m really grateful for - one that has definitely tested my resilience, patience, and inner-held beliefs. It regularly kicks my ass and I sometimes come up short, but there's learning and gifts in all of it.

Roscoe is a gift in a million ways, but one of the most significant is that he's such a vessel for kindness. He's super-kind himself (as well as funny, warm, brave and so many other things). But he also inspires so much kindness in others, that everyone around him gets to witness every day. His teachers always say what an asset he is to his class - they help him, but he helps them too. He brings out the best in people and shows us all that interdependence is actually a higher state of being than independence. Co-operation is actually more efficient than competition.

With a son who is disabled, I'm dependent on others. As parents, we have to override some of those natural instincts in order to recognise that we can't do it all alone. It has taught me a lot about vulnerability, both the political and the personal. He costs more in taxes to educate than most other kids and god knows where we'd be without the NHS. I've always voted in elections to pay more in my tax bill to 'help the vulnerable', but now when I do that, it's no longer from a place of middle-class privilege - I am one of those people who needs help.

Personally, I've always found it hard to accept help, but these days I have to do that all the time. Accepting (gratefully) a seat on a packed train home for Christmas a few years back took me from a state of self-protection and stress to one of deep human connection with a stranger in a matter of minutes. It’s been a challenge and a bit of rewiring of me, learning how to be gracious on the receiving end of stuff, when all of my childhood, all I was taught was how to help rather than how to be helped. The truth is we all need to do more of both.

Kindness can dissolve barriers and free us from the traps of busyness, labels and hierarchies. It often sparks meaningful connections and helps us all to perceive the world with a more abundant mentality. And we shouldn't mistake kindness for idealism or naivety, either – kindness also has the power to get things done through its ability to connect and motivate teams. By seeing the differences, we see the similarities and common threads, too.

I am humbled and grateful for all the lessons my dad taught me, but also for all the lessons, Roscoe continues to teach me. Whether you have kids or don’t have kids, whether you thought your parents did a great job or a lousy one, we are all, ultimately, connected.