But are you really listening?

This week I've been doing a lot of research and writing about what it means to be a kind listener. I've been reading psychology papers, talking to some folks, noticing my own thought processes when in conversation, and just generally being hyper-aware of the whole concept of listening.

It's funny, isn't it? We all do it every day. We occasionally give it some thought - such as you're doing as you read this right now - but for the most part it's a skill that we take for granted, and an improvement opportunity that many overlook. Perhaps like driving, everyone thinks they're a better than average listener. As is the case with driving, that can't actually be true, can it?

Here are 5 things that particularly stood out for me on the topic of listening this week:

1. It's the kindest gift you can give.

The best gift you can give anyone is your whole-hearted, fullest attention. The benefits of this are huge. Being heard helps people feel validated, builds confidence and helps people understand themselves. When you're a thinking partner for someone, the act of talking helps them understand their feelings and crystallise their thoughts.

2. You can't listen if somebody can't talk.

Often great listening doesn't start when the other person opens their mouth to speak, but long before. A psychologist I interviewed this week was talking to me about how to listen to peoples' hardest stuff. She said the hard emotions are like a fast flowing river. And her job as a psychologist is to help you stand in the river, but where the current isn't so fast. Then it's a dance to take you there, and take you back to safety, on repeat. This happens by building rapport, building psychological safety, and building a culture where saying the difficult things is encouraged and rewarded, not frowned upon. We can all be better listeners by doing the groundwork - and this is as true for our personal relationships as it is at work, of course.

3. The opposite of listening is waiting for your turn to talk.

I'm sure you've heard this before, but there's a huge difference between the two. If you're waiting for your turn to talk, the chances are you're also listening to the bit that you're expecting, rather than the bit that's more subtly trying to present itself to you. You're missing the opportunity to discover, and to more fully understand.

4. In order to listen to others well, you have to learn to listen to yourself.

I've been trying this all week, and I'm challenging you here to do the same. Instead of formulating thoughts and talking to yourself in your head as someone speaks, learn to let the person finish, then formulate the thoughts in your head, then respond. This means getting comfortable with short pauses. As you respond, be aware of the primacy and recency effect - the first thing you say in response, and the last thing you say before you hand the batton back to them to talk are the ones they'll remember the most. A long pause so that you get the phrasing right is hard to do, but a powerful tool. The discomfort of silence can be deafening. But rest assured it leads to a slower, deeper and more thoughtful conversation.

5. Interrupting isn't always bad.

There are good interruptions. The ones where you clarify, punctuate, deepen the story and help the person talking to keep their focus on where they're trying to get to. Then there are the bad interruptions - the ones where you change the destination from where they were going to some small distraction you noticed, or are more interested in the rolodex of your own stories on a similar topic. But using interruption to show that you empathise, that you're invested and to act as a great tour guide for the other person's thinking-expedition, can be extremely powerful.

So this week I invite you to experiment with the power of the pause, however uncomfortable it seems, and to create the culture and expectations in your team, organisation or household, so that we can all create and hold respectful thinking spaces for each other. In a world where everyone is doing a lot of talking, perhaps what we all need to do is a bit more listening.